some barks, true delight

making the decision to put an animal down is one of the most selfless things that pet lovers can do. we don't want to loose the joy they bring us. they are always there to greet us, and comfort us after a hard day ,or something has upset us. they love unconditionally, even after a scolding for doing a "bad" as we say in our home. they are treasured members of the family.and rightfully so. i believe that animals go to Heaven. i take solace in knowing that they to will have their bogies restored to their former health. they will greet us like it were yesterday.
i know my sister will get another dog to love and Newman would want that. we have to never take for granted how special our pets are. i will miss Newmy,but i know he's in heaven enjoyong a prime cut of beef cooked just tro his liking. ill miss you Newmy,but i know we'll see each other again.

some barks, true delight

my sister and husband put their beloved dog to sleep last night. his name was Newman, but he also went by Scooby. my sister spent a good part of her busy day hanging with newman on the front porct of their quaint massachuset colonial. newman managed to bark at another dog or passerby. he had a really hard time due to throat issues. he also was very weak from not eating.

Newmy lived a genteel life. he had a dog specialist come to observe his behavior, stuff like eating fringe off an heirloom rug,or tearing up french doors. seems like scooby had seperation anxiety. he became part of the prozac nation. thank God. one time on a visit from n.j. i ran out. newman and i took the exact same dosage. man's best friend? my hero!

the littany of the pills

twice a day, i go to my alter, open the drawer and start the mass. first the sacred rite of opening the vessels. contaned within are the dogmas and sacraments. the trinity (three prozac), confession (clonapin), holy communion (lamictal). they are the evidence of my confirmation. depression, anxiety, anger. i dont want to worship at this church. but if i don't then i'm condemned to a life of madness. where is my saviour?
why has he forsaken me?

when i was a little girl i had an innate curiosity about god and heaven. terrified by the mysteries contained within the book. but it all turned into a life sentence of doubt. who is telling the truth. if it is divinely written, why does man twist it to suit his agenda. promises of wealth untold. just give out of your lack. plant a seed offering so that your fruition and blessing may come to pass. you will be planted like a tree with great roots by an ever flowing stream.

this is belief system bestowed upon an innocent little girl who just wanted to understand god. who knew that it would lead me down a path of mental issues? eating disorders, lack of self esteem, anger,repression, not feeling good enough, hopelessness, darkness, impulsivity, etc.

what happened to living life in the moment? how about having fun? what does that mean? how much of our destiny is in our own hands? or is it continuosly guided by a creator who rights our life when we get off course?

i don't want to go to church today. i have a heaviness in my heart that will be apparent. i can't put on the happy go lucky face. somtimes this is living hell.

CHILDREN

ISN'T THAT SUCH A JOYFUL WORD. THE WAY THE TONGUE ROLLS IT BACK AND THEN FORWARD. I THINK ABOUT MY NIECE, LOLA, AND HER BROTHER,GIBSON. LOLA IS VERY DRAMATIC! NOT TO MENTION BRIGHT, PRECOSCIOUS, PERSISTANT, INSISTANT, ARTISTIC, SPONTANIOUS AND ALTOGETHER A MIRACLE.

GIBSON IS ALL CURLS,DIMPLES, MOCHA LATTE SKIN. LEARNING ABOUT THE BIG WORLD ALL AROUND HIM. HE IS ALTOGETHER A MIRACLE.

THEY HAVE SUCH BRIGHT FUTURES. PARENTS THAT CHERISH THEM. A MOTHER THAT LOVES TO GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR TO COLOR WITH THEM. SHE WILL STOP ANYTHING IF THEY ASK HER FOR SOMETHING. SHE HAS SO MUCH PATIENCE.

I LOVE TO WATCH THEM TWIRL, SWIRL, JUMP, LAUGH, BE DELIGHTED AT THE PROSPECT OF GOING FOR A WALK OR GETTING ICE CREAM.

SEEING THEM GROW UP IS BITTERSWEET, BUT IT CAN'T BE SLOWED DOWN.

I'M SO BLESSED TO HAVE THE GIFT OF BEING THEIR AUNT DD.

Murry continued

that I was very pretty. I have that effect on old men.....That being said, I told him that I was only helping him because he was so handsome and that I was in to older men(yikes). It took eions to get to his car. He had to remember the location,color,make, etc. On the way I learned he had five children, two deceased, his favorites, and three whom he wasn't close to. He had fought in WW2 and Korea. His motto; life is a bitch and then you die. I noticed cans of dog food. I asked the dog's name. Georgia; this was where she was bred. She loved his wife and couldn't figure out why she wasn't around. Georgia did not like other dogs. I finished helping him and he thanked me. I told him I was sorry for his loss. I don't know why his kids weren't close to him. He blamed himself for overindulging them. I just know that I was interested in him and that he contributed to our freedom. That he wasn't insignificant or invisible. I made him smile. I hope tonight when he goes to bed with his faithful companion by his side that he felt loved.

Murrey

Today I was making a very conscious effort to be gratefull,thankfull, and positive. This for me,takes a lot of energy. But when I avail myself to cd's like The Secret, etc. I feel much better. And the overused term, empowered.

Anyway I was in Aldi. Three years you would have never caught me in the grocery store equivalent of Walmart. " Ch ch ch ch changes" as Bowie aptly sang. The downward spiral of the economy like so many others , has deeply affected my lifestyle. All the hard work and sacrifice to "make it" has evaporated. This isn't forever, but sometimes you just need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. A rebirth of your belief system, if you will.

I digress. There was an elderly man,slow moving shuffle,not attractive, in the isle in front of me. I have much patience with elderly persons because someday I will be one of them. However this guy was really,really ,slow. Anyway I navigated my way around this seemingly grumpy, unkempt person. I had completed my check out; happy that my debit card was approved.

As I was packing my groceries I overheard that he had recently lost his beloved wife. He said it was a blessing for her to be out of her misery. The cashier gave her heartfelt condolences. At Aldis we know the cashiers by name. Most people are very kind. I think it's because we are just grateful to afford food and toilet paper. Nothing like a bad economy to make you appreciate toilet paper!

I took my stuff out and unpacked it. The scruffy old guy was really on my heart. I went back and sure enough he was shuffling to the exit. I asked if would like my assistance. He sort of looked at me like, huh? he told me

foundation

Every day I wake up and depending on god knows what, I either want to stay in bed or force myself to get up. My nine year old asks me to please come downstairs with her as she gets ready for school. After that I have to decide if I will have the courage to call clients, It's my own form of torture. Because everyday that I don't is another day of paralysis by anaysis. another day of self imposed exile, but Woody Allen said it best " I need a vacation, but I can't get away from myself."

Then I shower and start the process of reinvention. Eye cream, serum, day cream(spf 30). Concealer, mineral powder, bronzer, blush, eye shadow(base,contour,lid,liner,highlighter,mascara). Blow out hair, lipstick, gloss. Whew! (I am an make up artist fyi.)

Anyway, this is the one thing that I consistantly do. It gives me the feeling of having purpose. It is the one thing I have total control over. It is power. I wield the weapons of my warfare. Brushes, sponges, lash curlers, blow dryers.

I like how people look at me. She is powerful, successful, on her game, but down inside I don't feel that way. How many others are the same way?

"The inexorable elimination of the superflous "

sometimes i read or hear words that for whatever reason stick to me like a piece of lint on a black sweater. i can't just pick them off and let them float to the floor. they have to be repeated or written down, mulled over and like a glass of full bodied red wine, appreciated. sometimes they stick, i think, because they sum up what's going on in my life or how i'm mentally processing something. what in my life is superflous? anger, rage, frustration, betrayal, disappointment(at myself and others)confusion, and loss. now how do i rid myself of these "superflous" emotions? "eliminate the negative, accentuate the positive." isn't that so nancy reagan? "just say no!" it can't be that easy because all these feelings cause pain. i wish i could pick them off like pieces of lint. there would be so much lint that i could make a soft blanket. then i could wrap up my inexorable pain and comfort it. i could hold and cradle it. rock it to sleep. but i can't nurse it. i can't feed these emotions anymore. but, i will savour that full bodied glass of red wine, swirl it 'round, look at the viscosity staining the curve of the glass,inhale the fruit and get a different phrase. CARPE DIEM

A watched pot never boils

I had one of those days yesterday. You know. When your still upset about some occurance from the day before, that has gone unresolved or not discussed. Then everything sort of builds and boils over because the heat is still on the stove. The feelings of panic. Then it gets really interesting. What is the next thing that will set me off? Dirty laundry, kitchen not cleaned or done half assed, dirty floors, books and papers everywhere. Mind you, I have four kids, three of them very capable, albeit lazy teens, and one very obstinate nine year old. This of course has nothing to do with the unresolved stuff, it just fans the flame of frustration. I better figure out what I'm going to do with myself. How do I start putting together the next chapter of me? The last few years have been straight out of a Stephen King novel. I need to work. I have nothing to show for what I am "talented" at. My old pastor(creep)used to say "what's in your hand?". Which is really funny becaause he left us empty handed and my husband still gives him ten percent plus of our income. That's for another blog. Anywho, he meant what can you do know with what you have to make money(the irony of course being that he would get a chunk out of it.) I digress, again. So i do have a way to make money but my hearts not in it. The failure monster. Or I go back to school in the event my marriage falls apart and I have to take care of myself. Then again, somebodys got to do it. I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings.

plaster and lathe

it's a drizzle and spit sort of rain day in new jersey. cnn is on and i'm in my bed, shih tzu rolling on her back in utter joy of just being in the moment. i read The Call of The Wild one night via e book. i couldn't sleep, too jazzed with effexor and prozac ( my dr's tinkering with my brain chemistry )this read makes you think about how loyal dogs are(i have three)

they are loved like humans in our house. but the book really gets to the essence of their primordial instincts. they will gve their lives just for being shown kindness. i just saw a news banner on cnn, baby clinging to life after being found in toilet in S.C. i mean, what the f-ck? isn't that where excrament is supposed to go? can you imagine if this baby survives, one day googling his plight? that's a call for major
therapy. to say the least.

my life is a lot like plaster and lathe. my husband, a general contractor, was talking about ripping it out of an older home. it's what walls used to be made of. strips of wood perhaps three inches in width and maybe three to six feet long, are nailed east to west and then covered with plaster somtimes mixed with horse hair. anyway he found termite infestation. it makes my skin crawl.

we see a smooth wall, painted, maybe a picture here and there. childrens finger smudges, doodling by some picasso in denial. but underneath, family secrets, viscious fights, infidelities, illness, financial woes, tears, laughter, noises of love making, decisions made and sometimes regretted, sometimes celebrated. we can't know what the plaster and lathe will never reveal. with the exception of termites.....

not guilty by" Association"

well we were found not to be abusive foster parents by the AIUI or whatever the hell they call themselves. now what? oh the licensing division of DYFS will be over on Monday for a friendly chat. we'll be finding out if they are still allowing us to be a "resource home" for foster/adopt children. oh, yeah by the way we have four kids. did i forget to mention that three are adopted? i thought i might have to share that insignificant info....

we are told that we will probably never get Latoya and Jakeela back. that is so final. i don't have any control on the outcome of their lives. i would do anything to see, hold them, tell them that i'm so very sorry that they were ripped from my home because i couldn't take one more phone call from the agency. one more incident that would infest my home that would disturb and upset my other kids one more episode of me falling apart and literally crumbling to the floor in anguish.

i have to pray God's perfect will. He knows best.

i want a do over. so many things in my life need a do over. i could right all the mistakes. would have, should have, could have. but then again the fear of a do over is that you get one shot. what if i fail again?

at this juncture of my life, staring down the barrel of 47, this is a very daunting subject. i thought i would be together by now. but i still fuck up. my intentions are well intended, but.....

i know i need a lot of healing. im still realing from the past 2 years. i need a therapist but i dont trust many people. then you have to dredge up all that gunk. how far back do we have to go? can't i just wake up without this gnawing feeling of utter shame and paralyzing defeat?

my sister's keeper

my sister is my keeper.  she keeps me laughing.  she keeps me talking.  she keeps me in her heart.  she keeps me sane (as much as is humanly possible at this juncture of my life ) and junk is an apt play on words.  she keeps the joy of small children in my life .  my niece lola and my adopted nephew gibson ,are just lovely mirecles to savor  (i've just lost two through the DYFS organization.)
 we were planning on adopting jakeela and her half sister latoya.  they are lost to us forever because of beaurocracy ,dishonesty, and our being too transparent in the system.  that is all i can say right now because im dealing with the death of two little girls, no matter how many mistakes we made, that i truly loved.

she keeps me plied with alchol.  she keeps me  by being silly and living in the moment.  she keeps me with kind acts of a naked outdoor jaccuzzi followed by a massage(evev though we got a fit of the giggles because we think alike at times).

she keeps listening when im suicidal and end up in the hospital with zero health insurance and my husdand of 22 yrs doesnt come to comfort me.

sshe keeps me when im feeling so shameful after bankrupting my dream of owning a day spa.

she keeps me when she spends her day setting up this blog site because i dont possess the will or want to do much.

she keeps me by visiting nj and inviting me the refuge of her safe and cozy home in ma.

she keeps me in her thoughts and prayers........