Sunday, March 27, 2011

the littany of the pills

twice a day, i go to my alter, open the drawer and start the mass. first the sacred rite of opening the vessels. contaned within are the dogmas and sacraments. the trinity (three prozac), confession (clonapin), holy communion (lamictal). they are the evidence of my confirmation. depression, anxiety, anger. i dont want to worship at this church. but if i don't then i'm condemned to a life of madness. where is my saviour?
why has he forsaken me?

when i was a little girl i had an innate curiosity about god and heaven. terrified by the mysteries contained within the book. but it all turned into a life sentence of doubt. who is telling the truth. if it is divinely written, why does man twist it to suit his agenda. promises of wealth untold. just give out of your lack. plant a seed offering so that your fruition and blessing may come to pass. you will be planted like a tree with great roots by an ever flowing stream.

this is belief system bestowed upon an innocent little girl who just wanted to understand god. who knew that it would lead me down a path of mental issues? eating disorders, lack of self esteem, anger,repression, not feeling good enough, hopelessness, darkness, impulsivity, etc.

what happened to living life in the moment? how about having fun? what does that mean? how much of our destiny is in our own hands? or is it continuosly guided by a creator who rights our life when we get off course?

i don't want to go to church today. i have a heaviness in my heart that will be apparent. i can't put on the happy go lucky face. somtimes this is living hell.

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