Saturday, February 5, 2011

not guilty by" Association"

well we were found not to be abusive foster parents by the AIUI or whatever the hell they call themselves. now what? oh the licensing division of DYFS will be over on Monday for a friendly chat. we'll be finding out if they are still allowing us to be a "resource home" for foster/adopt children. oh, yeah by the way we have four kids. did i forget to mention that three are adopted? i thought i might have to share that insignificant info....

we are told that we will probably never get Latoya and Jakeela back. that is so final. i don't have any control on the outcome of their lives. i would do anything to see, hold them, tell them that i'm so very sorry that they were ripped from my home because i couldn't take one more phone call from the agency. one more incident that would infest my home that would disturb and upset my other kids one more episode of me falling apart and literally crumbling to the floor in anguish.

i have to pray God's perfect will. He knows best.

i want a do over. so many things in my life need a do over. i could right all the mistakes. would have, should have, could have. but then again the fear of a do over is that you get one shot. what if i fail again?

at this juncture of my life, staring down the barrel of 47, this is a very daunting subject. i thought i would be together by now. but i still fuck up. my intentions are well intended, but.....

i know i need a lot of healing. im still realing from the past 2 years. i need a therapist but i dont trust many people. then you have to dredge up all that gunk. how far back do we have to go? can't i just wake up without this gnawing feeling of utter shame and paralyzing defeat?

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