the littany of the pills

twice a day, i go to my alter, open the drawer and start the mass. first the sacred rite of opening the vessels. contaned within are the dogmas and sacraments. the trinity (three prozac), confession (clonapin), holy communion (lamictal). they are the evidence of my confirmation. depression, anxiety, anger. i dont want to worship at this church. but if i don't then i'm condemned to a life of madness. where is my saviour?
why has he forsaken me?

when i was a little girl i had an innate curiosity about god and heaven. terrified by the mysteries contained within the book. but it all turned into a life sentence of doubt. who is telling the truth. if it is divinely written, why does man twist it to suit his agenda. promises of wealth untold. just give out of your lack. plant a seed offering so that your fruition and blessing may come to pass. you will be planted like a tree with great roots by an ever flowing stream.

this is belief system bestowed upon an innocent little girl who just wanted to understand god. who knew that it would lead me down a path of mental issues? eating disorders, lack of self esteem, anger,repression, not feeling good enough, hopelessness, darkness, impulsivity, etc.

what happened to living life in the moment? how about having fun? what does that mean? how much of our destiny is in our own hands? or is it continuosly guided by a creator who rights our life when we get off course?

i don't want to go to church today. i have a heaviness in my heart that will be apparent. i can't put on the happy go lucky face. somtimes this is living hell.

CHILDREN

ISN'T THAT SUCH A JOYFUL WORD. THE WAY THE TONGUE ROLLS IT BACK AND THEN FORWARD. I THINK ABOUT MY NIECE, LOLA, AND HER BROTHER,GIBSON. LOLA IS VERY DRAMATIC! NOT TO MENTION BRIGHT, PRECOSCIOUS, PERSISTANT, INSISTANT, ARTISTIC, SPONTANIOUS AND ALTOGETHER A MIRACLE.

GIBSON IS ALL CURLS,DIMPLES, MOCHA LATTE SKIN. LEARNING ABOUT THE BIG WORLD ALL AROUND HIM. HE IS ALTOGETHER A MIRACLE.

THEY HAVE SUCH BRIGHT FUTURES. PARENTS THAT CHERISH THEM. A MOTHER THAT LOVES TO GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR TO COLOR WITH THEM. SHE WILL STOP ANYTHING IF THEY ASK HER FOR SOMETHING. SHE HAS SO MUCH PATIENCE.

I LOVE TO WATCH THEM TWIRL, SWIRL, JUMP, LAUGH, BE DELIGHTED AT THE PROSPECT OF GOING FOR A WALK OR GETTING ICE CREAM.

SEEING THEM GROW UP IS BITTERSWEET, BUT IT CAN'T BE SLOWED DOWN.

I'M SO BLESSED TO HAVE THE GIFT OF BEING THEIR AUNT DD.

Murry continued

that I was very pretty. I have that effect on old men.....That being said, I told him that I was only helping him because he was so handsome and that I was in to older men(yikes). It took eions to get to his car. He had to remember the location,color,make, etc. On the way I learned he had five children, two deceased, his favorites, and three whom he wasn't close to. He had fought in WW2 and Korea. His motto; life is a bitch and then you die. I noticed cans of dog food. I asked the dog's name. Georgia; this was where she was bred. She loved his wife and couldn't figure out why she wasn't around. Georgia did not like other dogs. I finished helping him and he thanked me. I told him I was sorry for his loss. I don't know why his kids weren't close to him. He blamed himself for overindulging them. I just know that I was interested in him and that he contributed to our freedom. That he wasn't insignificant or invisible. I made him smile. I hope tonight when he goes to bed with his faithful companion by his side that he felt loved.

Murrey

Today I was making a very conscious effort to be gratefull,thankfull, and positive. This for me,takes a lot of energy. But when I avail myself to cd's like The Secret, etc. I feel much better. And the overused term, empowered.

Anyway I was in Aldi. Three years you would have never caught me in the grocery store equivalent of Walmart. " Ch ch ch ch changes" as Bowie aptly sang. The downward spiral of the economy like so many others , has deeply affected my lifestyle. All the hard work and sacrifice to "make it" has evaporated. This isn't forever, but sometimes you just need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. A rebirth of your belief system, if you will.

I digress. There was an elderly man,slow moving shuffle,not attractive, in the isle in front of me. I have much patience with elderly persons because someday I will be one of them. However this guy was really,really ,slow. Anyway I navigated my way around this seemingly grumpy, unkempt person. I had completed my check out; happy that my debit card was approved.

As I was packing my groceries I overheard that he had recently lost his beloved wife. He said it was a blessing for her to be out of her misery. The cashier gave her heartfelt condolences. At Aldis we know the cashiers by name. Most people are very kind. I think it's because we are just grateful to afford food and toilet paper. Nothing like a bad economy to make you appreciate toilet paper!

I took my stuff out and unpacked it. The scruffy old guy was really on my heart. I went back and sure enough he was shuffling to the exit. I asked if would like my assistance. He sort of looked at me like, huh? he told me

foundation

Every day I wake up and depending on god knows what, I either want to stay in bed or force myself to get up. My nine year old asks me to please come downstairs with her as she gets ready for school. After that I have to decide if I will have the courage to call clients, It's my own form of torture. Because everyday that I don't is another day of paralysis by anaysis. another day of self imposed exile, but Woody Allen said it best " I need a vacation, but I can't get away from myself."

Then I shower and start the process of reinvention. Eye cream, serum, day cream(spf 30). Concealer, mineral powder, bronzer, blush, eye shadow(base,contour,lid,liner,highlighter,mascara). Blow out hair, lipstick, gloss. Whew! (I am an make up artist fyi.)

Anyway, this is the one thing that I consistantly do. It gives me the feeling of having purpose. It is the one thing I have total control over. It is power. I wield the weapons of my warfare. Brushes, sponges, lash curlers, blow dryers.

I like how people look at me. She is powerful, successful, on her game, but down inside I don't feel that way. How many others are the same way?